Anyone who knows me, knows how passionate I am about badly fitting lingerie, it’s something I can not understand and will never tolerate. I firmly believe that all self-respecting women should know what is a good fit, unless you are super flat chested, a good fitting bra is non negotiable. Need I say more than ‘Charlie Dimmock, Ground Force, circa 1997’? (fig A)

fig. A Charlie Dimmock, sex goddess in the gardening world, but undeniably saggy tits

I would like to take this opportunity to give a comprehensive PUSSY guide to well fitting lingerie, addressing two major offenders and easy steps you can take to avoid them. Going bra shopping is a daunting task, there is no way on God’s green earth that all women’s breasts will fit into the standard sizes offered by most high street lingerie departments!

The main offenders:

1. The 4-boob Effect – You know exactly what I’m talking about, when the cup size is too small, an unattractive 4-boob effect is created (see fig B & C & F).

fig B Katie Holmes

fig C PUSSY still loves you Britney, but wtf?!

2. The Band Riding Up – the position of the band around your back is very important, a lot of women make the easy mistake of wearing a bra with a much bigger band than required. (see fig D & E).

fig D

fig E: Where your band should be!

A well fitting bra needs to be right in quite a few places: let’s start with the band- the band should be level and not ride up at the back, if it is too loose this will happen. The first time I went for a proper bra fitting (more on this later!) I found out I was wearing a band 4 inches too big! You should have the band almost tight to your body, just enough space to slip two fingers under is right. The band should rest comfortably across the middle of your back (see fig E).

This girl was wearing a band 8 inches too big!

Look at the angle on that band!

Now lets talk cups, the underwire should lie flat against your ribcage at the front and should not dig in or rub. The wire should surround the breast tissue and the cups should be wrinkle-free (if they are wrinkly there’s not enough boob in there, so get a smaller cup size!) and you should have a smooth line where the fabric of the bra ends and meets your boobs. See fig F for a very disturbing before and after. You want to avoid the 4-boob effect I mentioned earlier, so check for unwanted bulging over the top and sides of the cups.

fig F

Going for a bra fitting, in my opinion, is a rite of passage for all young women. I remember pleading with my mama to let me go for a bra fitting, so she took me to Marks & Spencer to see a very butch lady with a very cold tape measure.

Anyway, they’re not all like that. A few years ago I made it my new years resolution to only buy bras that have been properly fitted. I went to this small specialist bra shop in my hometown, which was called ‘Sassy’s’ at the time. The lady who owns the place told me so much about lingerie that afternoon and quite possibly changed my life.

Now I’ve had a fair few bra fittings since then and I can tell you that they all have never used a tape measure (thank god!) and I have never felt uncomfortable. A proper bra fitting involves you stripping down to your bra so the lady can see what size you’re wearing and where it needs to be adjusted. She will then bring you a selection of bras for you to try, 9 times out of 10 they get it right first time! I have only had one bra fitting where the lady has actually taken the bras off for me- apparently flashing a stranger doesn’t bother me, but every other fitting I have had the shop either had a curtain for you to pull across or the lady has left the fitting room, I’ve always found a bra fitting to be like sisterhood in its truest form.